FOUR SIMPLY DIFFICULT QUESTIONS:

HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THE PAST YEAR?

Well, do I have to be honest? Yes, yes I do...
     I wasted the last year!  That is the truth, I wasted the last year!  I didn't work on my goals, dreams, or even my relationships.  I didn't do anything I planned on doing.  I kind of got in the mode of if it comes it comes, if not I will continue to live day to day without a destination.  I let my emotions be dictated by others, I'm not sure that I truly felt anything honestly.  I have been a robot.

WHAT GAVE YOU PLEASURE? HOW AND WHY?

Honest, again?
     Nothing, at least nothing of great consequence?  Obviously, I had little moments with kids, dogs and parents; but I was very much a robot, not truly embracing anything.

WHAT EXPERIENCES WERE A SOURCE OF PAIN? WHY?

I am really not liking this honest look at the last year...
       Back to being a robot, I really haven't felt much of anything.  My pain came from a lack of desire to truly live.  I have just gone through the motions.

WERE MOST OF THE EVENTS DRIVEN BY YOU OR BUY OUTSIDE FORCES?

Honest?
     Outside forces, I have lived the last year for others.  What is really sad about that is it wasn't in a "people pleasing" kind of way; it was a bare minimum to keep all those around me satisfied enough to not give up on me.  But, nothing more.  I have just crawled my way through, wishing I had a different life.

I think some changes need to be made, this is not how we are meant to live...
I am changing!

6-12 it begins

Sunday, June 12, 2016

5:41 AM

Isaiah 12:1

And in that day thou shalt say, O Lord, I will praise thee; though thou wast angry with me, thine anger is turned away, and thou comfordest me.

I am sure through all my sins I have angered God, I have faith he will forgive me for my wrongs and turn his anger away… I must find a way to change my ways, to have faith in God rather than fighting him because I need or want and don't see how He is already providing…. My focus should change from what I can do to what God is doing, and hold confidence in His comfort, following his path

I watched a minister on tv this morning and he was speaking about the 7 laws, not catching the start or end, I got the impression that he was speaking "follow these 7 laws of the bible and God will make you rich like him".  But what he was preaching and what God was teaching me through his preaching were in many ways very different….  I found myself looking at these "7 laws and seeing how to find my "inner- Christian".  Inner-Christian (what is that?)  Its easy to tell the world you believe in God and to do amazing things in the name of God, even believe in the truth of God and not found your "Inner-Christian"  I am beginning to believe this is the development that takes you from "doing what the bible says" and serving God and His purpose without hesitation.

The first "law" was difference.  What makes you or me different from anyone else?  So what does make me different?  I don't know? Such a new yet familiar concept in my mind….  My mind is full of the clichés; I want to help people, I understand others troubles because I have lived so many of my own, and I want to teach and show people truth…. But I stop… I am not generic, God made me; He made me special to serve His purpose, to fulfill the destiny he has placed for me.  So how am I different? I don't know? But I aim to find out!  How? Prayer! Meditation and the finding of me.  Welcome to the journey.

My difference is my desire to heal.  Now, I am not talking about walking through the streets and curing the sick through the power of God, though I do believe God can and does heal instantly and has servants all around with great gifts of healing.  I am talking about offering people a safe refuge to bare burdens and to allow God to strengthen people spiritually, mentally and physically using me to help teach and guide if you will.  Giving people my understanding and compassion showing them love and being a light on their path to discovering their "inner-Christian".

The second "law" was of mind.  The man spoke of controlling our minds; setting goal, learning, and finding a hero… Wow!  Being me, I have set more "goals" in my life than I have ate dinners… What is my goal?  I am sure most people would go the same place I initially went, "to serve"; well duh!  But lets take a different approach, I am forty years old, where do I truly want my life in two years… yah two?!

Call me crazy, and many do, but I want to be in a RV traveling the country while teaching people via internet and classes how to make changes in their lives spiritually, mentally and physically.  WHOA, that’s the first time I actually wrote that down… that it went from thought in my head to words on paper… POWERFUL! 

Learning, that’s what I am doing.  Here in this journal of destiny to studying to be a personal trainer/nutritionist, see in order to help others I must practice what I preach… Oh my, more power….

A hero?  This is a hard one for me… "be not a respecter of persons"; there is a difference between respect and honor.  Let that sink in just a minute.  God told us to honor, not respect… we are looking for a hero, role-model we respect, we should be looking for a hero to honor. We honor the sacrifice Jesus made by living our lives in a way that the sacrifice would not be in vane.   We honor our parents by living our lives in a way that would make their sacrificing their wants for our needs would not be in vane; or in a way that their refusal to sacrifice self has developed a person more in tune with the needs of others and how our actions reflect that.  Obviously, it would be easy to say "God is my hero" and he is, "my parents are my heros" and they are, but who else? And how do I honor them?

The next "law" was recognition? Realizing what God has already put in front of you, that your not using… oh wow, ummm… My first thought, if I knew that wouldn't I be using it?  Then I remembered: I am me, so most likely not… I would trip over my own shoes while looking for them.  I have to be honest, I can see things coming in future but looking at what is here now, I drew a blank!  Then, I looked at my coffee table; there sitting on it was my laptop, my text books, my bible, and a cup of coffee.  Then there was this little voice in my head "have I not given you everything you need?"  Did I mention that I a the one who has to be hit by the 2x4 to know it is coming?

The fourth "law",  is the law of two… two?  Some call it soulmate, partner, friend; um yah, I'm a single mother that tends to have allergic reactions to dating… not even kidding, I have stories.  The man spoke of the animals going two by two, and a scripture of where two "or more" are gathered… it took me a min but I got it; a partner that is of like mind, that you can turn to when things are rough and you can do the same for them… a family, a group f friends or just one friend or maybe a plant until God sees you and your partner are ready to realize you have a destiny waiting to be fulfilled?

Number five of the seven "laws", place.  Am I fishing off the wrong side f the boat? Yes, yes I am!  Refer back up to "law" one.  I am stagnate,  I am roped into the "this is your life, deal with it" mentality.  I have made my mistakes, trust me, and here I must live within the consequences of those mistakes.  How do you write a new chapter when society forces you to remain living in the last book?

"Law" six, honor.  Am I living with honor? Am I honoring those I should be? Lets see,  and oh no!  Well that’s a problem.  It is time to focus on developing me.

And finally the seventh "law", seed.  What kind of harvest do you want and are you planting that seed?  Man, looked in the mirror and realized that law seven was in fact my 2x4!  I am planting the wrong seeds in neglected soil; before you can plant you must know what you want to grow.  I want to grow a life full of love, compassion, service and adventure.  I need to plant those seeds.  I want to find my "inner-Christian".

Me, Who?

Changing can be hard, being someone your not happy being is harder.  I woke up, forty years old, not even close to being the person I want to be.  So now what?  An adventure, one of self discovery, enlightenment, finding truth and becoming me.  Not the me I have been; the one that has lived and failed based on the expectations of others, but the me that God meant for me to be.  A me that looks in the mirror and says "yah, that is me", not the one dreading another day of uncertainty and a lack of fulfillment.  I see everyday what I am "suppose" to be; but it is not me.  So, who am I?